Lately the Lord's been doing some cool things with me. He's been actually comforting me and encountering me and finding me in ways that I haven't asked for. Of course, He's always trying to speak, and always talking to us, but He's been calling my name out and giving me true identity through some random and some not so random individuals and situations and catching my attention so that I know its from Him. He's been giving me identity by breathing on good characteristics and then also showing me the characteristics that have grown from my past that don't belong in my life. I don't know if it has to do with learning to communicate with others properly, and allowing relationships to form and grow in my life, or maybe its having to actually deal with learning to forgive and move forward from past relationships that have hurt me really badly in order to grow these new relationships, but whatever it is, its caused me to see my own faults under a magnifying glass. I'm realizing how much what I do effects others in good and bad ways. Mostly bad ways. Its all I can focus on. And, its something I've had to work at for the sake of others and myself. Along with this I have had to deal with and become real with all of the emotions that I hardened myself to during those times. I've had to become real with how old situations and people from my past have made me feel, and therefore become real with how the people around me make me feel. I'm having to take the emotions and catch them and take every single one before the Lord and pinpoint where it is coming from. It hurts really, really badly and has made me see how much flesh is still left in me. I've been feeling about an inch tall, worthless, and completely alone in this world. It has worn me out really quickly and some days have lost all strength and zeal in everything and faced times where I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day, or night. Of course its a phase we all go through constantly in life--the ups and downs, and learning, and changing, and growing. Thankfully somehow He's started to bring me out of that pit I was falling into quickly without me putting much effort into trying to climb out. Or I guess, He's helping me to see the good all of this is doing by speaking truth over it all in random encounters.
One really cool encounter He gave me was this past week. We had some guests at ZHOP over the last week or so. Maybe they were there longer, but I didn't actually see them until this Sunday at our Encountering God service. Kirk, our director, introduced them, and I heard one of their sets as we were playing it in the prayer room. They are very anointed and minister to a lot to people. Somehow I ended up talking to them at our "meet n greet" time and I found myself feeling unworthy of being in their presence. Kind of like John in Revelation when talking to the angel. They started to tell my friend and I part of a word they had received for the house and I literally felt like I shouldn't be hearing this in a conversation. Like, I wasn't worthy of direct encounter with a messenger from the Lord, but only worthy of if they were preaching it. I didn't know why the Lord had me in this conversation. Meet n greet time ended and I didn't see them again. Then I had a monday night set briefing, and the worship leader had asked them to come and pray over us before the set. I was scared. I don't know why I had this feeling, but as they prayed they started speaking into us and prophecying over us for a good fifteen minutes, and then told us they were thankful that they had met us. They were so humble and pure. It was crazy. It was like the Lord, aside from the words that were spoken and prayed over me, by the situation itself, took my shame, my insecurity, my self made identity and put it before Him and said without actually saying it, "You are better than that. You are worthy of my time. It is me that is before you, not them. I see you before me, and I love to speak and be in your midst. This is how I have your attention. And I love when you listen." He put me back to the place of realizing that people are nothing. Its the breath of the Lord that brings the life carried in individuals like this. And, the same in me. Although I am nothing, He is making me something for Him. I am something to Him. I am no less than any other. No matter what circumstances, situations, and people say or show me in this life, I am something to Him. And that's really all that matters.
He's really been showing me that He's always spoken to me, and I've always been His. I remember times when I was little, hearing the voice of the Lord, whether through dreams, or just out to play, and feeling the Holy Spirit, but not knowing that it was the Lord that I was actually experiencing and not my imagination or adventurous mind. It was Him comforting me through all of my childhood and trying to speak identity and truth into me and let me know what to do as situations occurred. And even times after my mom died in high school and a couple years after when I made some seriously wrong choices, and put myself in situations that no one should ever be in, He was there. He always told me not to go to certain places, and always told me not to do certain things, but I didn't recognize it as His voice and fell into some major crisis' by the enemy's hand. And even now, He's speaking to me, telling me, proclaiming that I am not that person, and I have never been. I just made the choices, naively falling into a repetitive worldly lifestyle and trusting in those who hurt me thinking I wasn't worthy of more. I don't know how to explain it, but its like I can step back and see myself as a person aside from all those things, and places, and see that I have always been His and under His wing in mercy, grace, and forgiveness, covered in His blood, as He waited for me to realize it. And, that is why He brought me here because my flesh was dominating my spirit, and its only here, almost a full year later that I can realize that I am more than all those other things. That is not who I am. Its crazy. I am, and always have been, and always will be a "son of God"...holy...and this has made me so thankful in the last week again, and made me realize how undeserving I am of His grace, and how little I have to give Him in return. I am nothing, but I am everything to Him.
He caught my attention a second time. As I walked into ZHOP I saw someone I never have really spoken to, which is weird in a small community like this one. I have always figured this person is shy and reserved, so I haven't really ever taken the time to go and actually take on the "Hi, my name is.." conversation. Of course, we know who each other are, but never have actually "greeted". Anyways, I had to walk past this person 2-3 times as I was taking care of some stuff. The third time on the way back he said, "Hi Kim", and I smiled and waved and said hi back while still walking (I get nervous and scared talking to new people when I know they are more shy-I don't know why-maybe I'm just scared I'll be too much for them). They looked at me as if they had more to say so I stopped and awkwardly just stood there as I knew they did. Then they said, seemingly to be scared and not knowing what the response would be but taking a chance knowing the Lord was trying to speak, "I was praying in the prayer room the other day...and... ", and then said a word that I really needed to hear. I mean, I really, really needed to hear it.
God's been speaking to me randomly through little and big things. Whether by myself, or through others. And, yes, the words that Jesus has been telling me are so important, and have been so good, but something that's almost more important that I've discovered, and is why I didn't write what the actual words spoken through these individuals were, is the partnership and willingness we give to the Lord by becoming faithful to whatever command He gives us. Its made me realize the importance of putting forth an effort to recognize every way the Lord speaks in our day and believing that He does all of the time. He's always looking for a way to edify and speak, and He's always needing someone who is willing, no matter who that person is, to be the one to carry out His desire to do so. He's needing someone willing on both ends. There has to be belief from the person who is giving the word or act that the Lord has told them to give, and there has to be belief by the individual receiving the word or act of service. Belief that it is actually of the Lord.
"My yoke is easy. My burden is light".
So simple. But so hard for our brains to partner with and believe that the God of all creation is speaking to us, or able to use us who are so weak and not able of doing anything good by ourselves. "You can do no good apart from Me". "Apart from Me you are nothing." We truly are nothing without Him. There is no good in us, for ourselves, for others, and for God unless it is given to us by God.
Wow, well that is yet another long blog. Getting lost in the security of the Lord over my insecurity is okay by me though. Definitely worth writing about. Its the only thing that's really honest.
Well, have a good day!
No comments:
Post a Comment