Now That's Profound!

"We live in an alternate universe but exist from the dust of the earth. And, all of this life we live is made only of words."

My friend said that to me tonight. I don't know if its blowing anyone else's mind, but when I heard it I was in the midst of brushing my teeth, and I found myself pretty happy with the fact that my mouth was full. I didn't really have any words to say after hearing that. Or, I guess, in truth, I have plenty of words to say, but not really in any other way than staying in awe and asking questions to the Father. I've thought on similar stuff before, and its like I knew it and believed it, but I didn't really. Ya know how that goes? Faith really does come by hearing I guess. I can't help but speak the above quoted words over and over again in my head. Its so crazy to look at our life this way. Whats even more wild is the reality that this is only fact. Its not like it was just some crazy thought, or idea, or imagined scenario. This is the Word of God. And, therefore, what we exist from....since His Word is our reality. Something was downloaded into me tonight and is sinking in and I can't really explain it, but I'm seeing it, kind of, and I want to share it, but I can't in correct form and characters through a computer screen yet.  

 

Oh man, if we could only see past the dust, that we may behold great and marvelous things.

The Reality Of This Pilgramage-Another Long, Honest Trail of Thoughts That I'm Not So Sure Will Make Sense To Anyone But Me..

Everybody has those seasons of change that they trail the timeline in their memories backwards and begin to pull out the old photographs and entries of good times that were stored in their own life's history. Naturally, feelings of sadness will emerge inside. I don't think it is wrong to feel sad, because obviously God gave us that emotion, but I think there is a problem when a person should choose to live on in the emotion past its time. As one continues to look backward, he begins to notice the absence of individuals and times and therefore feel a loss in the days of now. This results in an inability to value what surrounds him. Moreover he lacks the capacity to and is unable to love the present. This brings the feelings of paranoia, and even belief, of disappointing others around him because he can't love them the way he knows he should, or the way he believes they want him to. Then the regret for ever leaving or letting go of what was in the past, and what had been figured out follows. This results in depression, loneliness, and hopelessness which leads to wrong choices, if he hasn't started down that road already, and possibly suicide.

From my own life and several lives that have been walked out thus far around me, I am learning this is a fleshly way to go about our everyday growth and moving forward in our life. When we begin to look in the past, whether its because of missing something, someone, or some place, or things slipping out of our grip and not seeing things go the way we'd wish for them to go, or even not being able to forgive someone or forget a situation that has happened and facing regrets, we begin to get pulled back, tied down, and chained from our freedom to love, be loved, and find joy. Like I said again, this is a fleshly way. 

I've been struggling with this a lot lately. The questions of "why I am not happy and why am I not able to move forward in the spirit?" has been asked in prayer meetings between God and me lately. 

When I moved to South Carolina, it was because I realized God was real and I had to have more of Him. I couldn't see any other way to move. Now that I am surrounded by Him and have the oppurtunity to encounter Him daily, I find myself missing the ones I left behind. I had people to hang out with in Springfield, and the surrounding areas, whenever I wanted to, I had family to sit down and have dinner with every night I chose to, and I had someone I could call at 3am in the morning to go meet if I needed to talk. Now without a car, money, and fresh relationship, I've been missing my past so much and wishing I had that liability, that companionship, that type of friendship/bond around again. There have been times where I literally have had my mind made up to move back due to living in these scrapbooks made in my mind and realizing the "lack" I have in the now.

My question as of lately has been, "Why am I not satisfied? Why am I feeling ashamed? Why am I disappointed while I live for the Lord, wait on Him, and partner with Him? Why am I growing in unacceptance of whats around me? Is it because of what I left back there?" There's no way that's the reason. "Is it because I haven't given this place a chance to satisfy me?" No that's not the case. Its because I've taken my eyes off the future and focused on what I don't have anymore, rather than what I have and how it is bringing me closer to the Lord. I'm focused more on who's feeling upset with me in the flesh and then working to please them or satisfy them. I've been focused on whether I'll have food tomorrow, a place to live, and my bills paid. Because of all this, I've found myself saying it was so much easier when I had the security of money in my pocket, the commendation from others on what I'm doing with my life, and when I couldn't remember the night, conversations, and/or disagreeances I had the night before because I was too drunk or high. Of course it was easier. It was comforting my soul. Of course living for God instead of comforting my soul with these things is going to be harder-living for a life to come instead of this life while walking in this life just makes sense when its harder than giving in to the lusts of my flesh. Living to please the flesh, mine or someone else's, is going to seem satisfying when its only going to leave me feeling hopeless and lead me to death. Its so easy to forget about pleasing the Father in heaven when everything around you is pushing the bruises in your skin over and over until you take your eyes off Him and turn your gaze to the natural eye's vision. No wonder I'm feeling like a failure. No wonder I'm feeling depressed again. No wonder I'm feeling like I've disappointed everyone around me and their brother. Its because I'm focusing on what's going on around me instead of what the Lord's calling me to spiritually. Never have I found written in the bible to listen to what man says than to what God is saying. Point being, if we take our eyes off what's at the end we won't be able to see Him in the now and what He is doing, or blessing us with. We won't find the real joy around us, and the joy set before us. It will only result in our prayer and our relationship with Christ consisting of questioning, doubting, disbelief, and anger instead of thankfulness and praise. No wonder I have been struggling with getting in the spirit..when I choose to. No wonder my eyes are clouded and I'm all confused and I can't see the eternal. No wonder I've been looking for "what's out there again" and "the more". No wonder I'm tried, stressed, and unhappy even in the Father's house.

David says it perfectly in Psalm 77:7-10, "Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion. Then I said, 'It is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High has changed.'" First of all, God is slow to anger, quick to lovingkindness. Second of all, He is unchanging. It is me who has changed my focus. It is me believing He is not good. It is me trying to comfort my soul as it cleaves to the dust and make me believe that His grace and lovingkindness isn't real.

The Lord has finally, in His kindness, opened my eyes to the fact that I'm not missing, longing, desiring all of "home" at all. I mean, yes, they are good memories, good times, and I do love and miss it, but the desire is for the familiar, the closeness, the love I experienced there. He has put us in these relationships, the healthy relationships, in order to give us a glimpse, a sneak peak into the place and the intimacy we have in store with Him. How much greater is the love of the Father? This desire we are feeling is a want for the more that is to come at the end. Eternal love. Unfailing love. Home. Heaven. Father, Son-our beloved, and unison by the Holy Spirit. This is what we are feeling. A longing, a groan, an ache. We are hurting for that perfect peace, rest, and love. He's drawing us in. He's giving us a sheer feeling of what He has been aching for since the beginning of time.

We are strangers on the earth. We will never be satisfied until we die and return to heaven; unless of course, one should choose not to believe in the beautiful testimony of Jesus. But, that's not what I'm writing about. I'm writing to pinpoint these feelings of missing "back there" and what has been known in the past and seeing the reality of why we feel this way. As I'm realizing the truth of these longings, I'm learning to replace them by moving my eyes forward to what I am really actually wanting by meditating on His goodness, His faithfulness, and His beauty portrayed in the Bible and remembering how He's encountered me in my life in these ways. As I dig into these testimonies from our spiritual forefathers, and from my history with God, I am able to discern more easily and see more clearly that its the Son of God, the Father, the throne room that I am missing and longing for. Its what the Spirit on the inside of me is groaning for. I must let the Spirit become bigger than the flesh and my soul. I've been reminded a lot about Romans 8 over the last couple months, which I consider to have been my first real meditation on the bible with real understanding about a year ago. 

This is what we are looking for from the moment we take our first breath. This is what we are seeking. This is what we are missing and desiring and longing and groaning and hoping to come upon. I can't say it enough. Until the end, we are on our own pilgrimage led by the Spirit, if we should choose to believe and be faithful to Him, to seek and find the intimacy, closeness, love and God of the Most High. Its really pretty brilliant. This is why Jesus is called the author of our faith.

Anyways, a couple prayers that have helped me over the last week or so, and I hope will encourage anyone else, have been from Psalm 119:19 & 54, "I am a stranger in the earth; do not hide Your commandments from me. Your statutes are my songs in the house of my pilgrimage." and Psalm 77:11-13, "I shall remember the deeds of the Lord; surely I will remember Your wonders of old. I will meditate on all Your work and muse on Your deeds. Your way, O God, is holy; what god is great like our God?"

I will choose to meditate on the wonders of God. I will choose to believe He is good and will carry me through. I will choose to say He is the only thing that satisfies. This is my joy in my house of pilgrimage. This is my comfort as my heart calls to me with truth that I am not a stranger on this journey, but only on this earth. And I can't be a part of anything that I'm joining together with in any other name. Every which way I walk, talk, and hear has got to be in the name of Jesus.

"Am I sowing to the Spirit or sowing to the flesh? I'm doing one or the other all the time."-Cory Asbury

And this marks the end of another long, honest trail of thoughts as I've stumbled on a little bit more of Truth in this walk as the Spirit battles my flesh. Thank God for a blog to let it all come out and start to piece together. And thank God I can type fast or I would never have the patience. Amen.

There She Has Hung.

Somehow since I've been here I've lost almost all interest in playing and writing music. My guitar has hung in her place on my wall, silent and lonely, for a few months waiting for my friendship's return. This week I've been hanging out with her quite a bit again, but she's recallusing my fingers, and it hurts! I didn't realize how long it'd been until I felt the ache today from playing the last few days. I guess that's what happens when you put down your guitar and let your heart get callused from bad, nerve-wracking experiences on sets. The Lord has downloaded a couple melodies into my brain though, and I am excited to put them to the words that have been flooding through my ballpoint pen onto paper. These are the first songs I've grabbed from the air between their birth places and my sensing them since I came here. I haven't written a song in this place until now. I think its God calling me to work through my issues and insecurities and pick up the guitar again on a regular basis. We'll see what comes forth as I join these fingertips back to these spiraled strings and sing to these walls, carpet, and ceiling.

My Older Sister Loves Me.

There's only one thing on my mind right now. My visit home. I've missed family. A lot. Probably more than I ever have. I say that monthly now, but the ache hurts more and more. There's something about that tie. That bond. The familiar. The closeness. The fact that you don't have to explain yourself. The fact that they just know you. And you just know them. There's no trying to figure out. There's no guessing when you're too scared to ask. There's just being. There's a freedom there I don't feel I have here just yet. I've missed my Dad, I've missed my quadruplet sisters, and I've missed having my older sister around-not that she is any different or apart from the other sisters. But my older sister is naturally like a wing over me. I miss her especially these last couple weeks. I'm not sure why. Maybe because Mother's day just passed, and even today would have been my mom's birthday, so I'm needing someone to celebrate. Wow, I just realized that as I'm typing. That's probably why I have a gut desire to have that mothering so much lately. That guidance. That protectance. I've been remembering times when I used to crawl up into my mom's recliner and just sit with her all night until I fell asleep. Nothing big, but so special. Nothing beats Jesus' wing of shadowing, but man, sometimes its just so good to have that in the flesh. To crawl under that wing when everything shakes. When everything gets scary. When you hurt. When you're tired. Or even just to laugh. Otherwise there's a feeling of being completely lost. Without that older sis. I'm so excited to see mine. The day is so close. To talk. To cry. To laugh. To do crafts. To stay up so late walking around town, watching movies, and then sitting on the bed talking about who knows what while eating way too much junk food and then getting unexplainably goofy and giggly. And then waking up early and sitting with each other in silence because we're so tired but so at peace. To sit under a tree with art supplies and a guitar and "waste" all afternoon. To sip sweet tea...lots. To have someone to share my stuff with and know it will be appreciated and enjoyed the same way I value what I'm giving. To adventure through explorations. To walk around parks. To sing. To play dress up. To go coffee shoppin'.  To go to a concert. To go walking downtown. To go puddle jumping when its raining. To watch the beautiful storm clouds role in. To watch the sunset. To go shopping. To go simple walmart trippin. To cook. But most of all, to love and be loved by my sisters and my Dad. With thanksgiving. We've all never really been thankful. Until now. Cheesy, but true. I'm in need. There is a big hole that needs filling up!!!! 20 days!!!!!! I'm SOOOO excited. 

Well, that was a rant that I didn't mean to write, but the reason I'm writing is to share what my older sister just surprised me with on the internet. Check out what she's up to. So sweet and adorable! :o)

http://www.flickr.com/photos/erinsunday/sets/72157618420358577/

Well, You Gotta Love That.

We had a conference here this weekend called Keeping The Charge. Going into it I wasn't excited about it at all but it ended up being really good, for everyone, I think. If not everyone, for me. But I'm pretty sure it was good for almost everyone. It was so weird. I spent almost both days working with barely any sleep the whole conference, but didn't feel like I worked at all. A whole night of splashing in the river with some friends and uncontainable spirit giggles followed by a day of good worship, simple but empowering messages, and of course the 3 free hamburgers and 3 free hotdogs (I have a fast metabolism). I think the best part was when everyone left and I realized that I was still there. For some reason God has chosen me to stay in His house day after day and be close to Him. I wasn't just coming for a weekend, but He has chosen me to talk to Him and partner with Him to be used to talk to His people through me every minute of my every day and be near forever-or as far as I can see right now. I got/get to stay. Nothing beats cartwheels, round offs, and dancing to Ryan I. music all the way around the alter with a good friend after the conference while we waited to take communion with most of my shift and then falling back into His arms and resting in the fact that this is my home. Hard, tiring, lonely, stressful, boring and unexpecting sometimes, its worth it just knowing that He is always there unchanging and everlasting, and knowing that my prayers aren't hitting a brass ceiling but His heart..and He hears every word. They're never overlooked and He's never sidetracked from what I have to say. He values me. He loves me. His word is good and His love is good. He is so good to His people, His children, His household. I am all filled up on the food that I've been needing in this body, naturally and spiritually. I feel like my eyes have been opened to a lot...yea, this weekend was much needed. It was just fun all around. That's all.

Favorite quotes from this weekend:

"You are too young to be tired and worn out."-Billy Humphrey

"This is not normal. Billy's not one of those guys who gets up and promotes this kind of stuff. This...is just not normal."-Kirk Bennett

"I looked up and all of a sudden I saw this huge fountain spring up and Kim was sitting right at the bottom of it."-Thomas Blair

"My thoughts are higher. I like your thoughts, but, well, they're different. Don't lean on your own understanding."-Michelle Volgamore (prophecynging)

"If you can hear My voice it means I love you. I love you a lot Kim Sunday. You're in biiig trouble!"-Michelle Volgamore(prophecynging)

"You gotta get scrappy. We have to be a scrappy house of prayer!"-Billy Humphrey

AMENNNN.

My Own Frustrated Dream And Hope Tonight.

I want to be in a time zone that has a sunset scheduled at this very moment. I want to take all memories, aches, and questions that are gravitated inside of me to the shoreline of a horizon and let them explode into millions of pieces to be thrown one by one into the open sea stationed under this daily radiating phenomenon given by God. I'd watch them disappear as they were swallowed into the deep mysteries, that lie way too far down for man to discover, under the blanket of reflection that rests on the waves. The waves that exist to move in unison with my hand gesturing goodbye as the echoes support my mouth's yelling of freedom. Then, without hesitation, let my remaining frame and spirit be released, by the loss of these weights, into the vast expanse of the golden gleams from a place of magnificent happenings and portraits that my eye's timeline does not possess just yet. Somewhere along the adventurous journey of following lightwaves and molecules and twirling the sky's holdings in my fingers I think I'd find a real, believing love. And, I'd swim in the satisfaction that's supposed to reflect down and cover this earth in the shadow of Heaven. What would it be like to make friends with the beautiful creations that live in the glorious inner workings of the atmosphere. I think I could float away and stay lost for eternity with the Man, called Wisdom, and all that is of Him, who had me in mind when making all of this for my mind to wander on and wonder about while my feet are stuck to the cement men laid for their own, somehow considered progressing, dream. Then, only then, I think I'd find the unpolluted, beautiful truth I need and have been looking for in place of the rehearsed, empty answers anyone on this earth has been taught to give, whether by passed down "knowledge" or their own life's discovered and growing theology. And then I'd have some sort of understanding on who I really am and what I am doing here. For all of this is His nature. And His nature defines who He is, and therefore who I am. 

Proverbs 8

I wish I could hear wisdom's calling more clearly. I'd love to hear what its shouting right now over my life.

REALLY Long Blog About My Growing Pains.

I really don't have anything to write about. Its my day off though so I have the time to write. I guess we'll see what comes out. I wonder why I write sometimes. Sometimes I make the choice to never write, because I feel like I talk circles around the same thing and can't really put into words what I discover, and even so,  I have a hard time believing that what I discover is really anything worth sharing. But then someone new comes up to me and tells me they read this, so I guess I will keep writing as long as the Lord keeps showing me that somehow my thoughts are encouraging to others. 

Lately the Lord's been doing some cool things with me. He's been actually comforting me and encountering me and finding me in ways that I haven't asked for. Of course, He's always trying to speak, and always talking to us, but He's been calling my name out and giving me true identity through some random and some not so random individuals and situations and catching my attention so that I know its from Him. He's been giving me identity by breathing on good characteristics and then also showing me the characteristics that have grown from my past that don't belong in my life. I don't know if it has to do with learning to communicate with others properly, and allowing relationships to form and grow in my life, or maybe its having to actually deal with learning to forgive and move forward from past relationships that have hurt me really badly in order to grow these new relationships, but whatever it is, its caused me to see my own faults under a magnifying glass. I'm realizing how much what I do effects others in good and bad ways. Mostly bad ways. Its all I can focus on. And, its something I've had to work at for the sake of others and myself. Along with this I have had to deal with and become real with all of the emotions that I hardened myself to during those times. I've had to become real with how old situations and people from my past have made me feel, and therefore become real with how the people around me make me feel. I'm having to take the emotions and catch them and take every single one before the Lord and pinpoint where it is coming from. It hurts really, really badly and has made me see how much flesh is still left in me. I've been feeling about an inch tall, worthless, and completely alone in this world. It has worn me out really quickly and some days have lost all strength and zeal in everything and faced times where I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day, or night. Of course its a phase we all go through constantly in life--the ups and downs, and learning, and changing, and growing. Thankfully somehow He's started to bring me out of that pit I was falling into quickly without me putting much effort into trying to climb out. Or I guess, He's helping me to see the good all of this is doing by speaking truth over it all in random encounters.

One really cool encounter He gave me was this past week. We had some guests at ZHOP over the last week or so. Maybe they were there longer, but I didn't actually see them until this Sunday at our Encountering God service. Kirk, our director, introduced them, and I heard one of their sets as we were playing it in the prayer room. They are very anointed and minister to a lot to people. Somehow I ended up talking to them at our "meet n greet" time and I found myself feeling unworthy of being in their presence. Kind of like John in Revelation when talking to the angel. They started to tell my friend and I part of a word they had received for the house and I literally felt like I shouldn't be hearing this in a conversation. Like, I wasn't worthy of direct encounter with a messenger from the Lord, but only worthy of if they were preaching it. I didn't know why the Lord had me in this conversation. Meet n greet time ended and I didn't see them again. Then I had a monday night set briefing, and the worship leader had asked them to come and pray over us before the set. I was scared. I don't know why I had this feeling, but as they prayed they started speaking into us and prophecying over us for a good fifteen minutes, and then told us they were thankful that they had met us. They were so humble and pure. It was crazy. It was like the Lord, aside from the words that were spoken and prayed over me, by the situation itself, took my shame, my insecurity, my self made identity and put it before Him and said without actually saying it, "You are better than that. You are worthy of my time. It is me that is before you, not them. I see you before me, and I love to speak and be in your midst. This is how I have your attention. And I love when you listen." He put me back to the place of realizing that people are nothing. Its the breath of the Lord that brings the life carried in individuals like this. And, the same in me. Although I am nothing, He is making me something for Him. I am something to Him. I am no less than any other. No matter what circumstances, situations, and people say or show me in this life, I am something to Him. And that's really all that matters.

He's really been showing me that He's always spoken to me, and I've always been His. I remember times when I was little, hearing the voice of the Lord, whether through dreams, or just out to play, and feeling the Holy Spirit, but not knowing that it was the Lord that I was actually experiencing and not my imagination or adventurous mind. It was Him comforting me through all of my childhood and trying to speak identity and truth into me and let me know what to do as situations occurred. And even times after my mom died in high school and a couple years after when I made some seriously wrong choices, and put myself in situations that no one should ever be in, He was there. He always told me not to go to certain places, and always told me not to do certain things, but I didn't recognize it as His voice and fell into some major crisis' by the enemy's hand. And even now, He's speaking to me, telling me, proclaiming that I am not that person, and I have never been. I just made the choices, naively falling into a repetitive worldly lifestyle and trusting in those who hurt me thinking I wasn't worthy of more. I don't know how to explain it, but its like I can step back and see myself as a person aside from all those things, and places, and see that I have always been His and under His wing in mercy, grace, and forgiveness, covered in His blood, as He waited for me to realize it. And, that is why He brought me here because my flesh was dominating my spirit, and its only here, almost a full year later that I can realize that I am more than all those other things. That is not who I am. Its crazy. I am, and always have been, and always will be a "son of God"...holy...and this has made me so thankful in the last week again, and made me realize how undeserving I am of His grace, and how little I have to give Him in return. I am nothing, but I am everything to Him.

He caught my attention a second time. As  I walked into ZHOP I saw someone I never have really spoken to, which is weird in a small community like this one. I have always figured this person is shy and reserved, so I haven't really ever taken the time to go and actually take on the "Hi, my name is.." conversation. Of course, we know who each other are, but never have actually "greeted". Anyways, I had to walk past this person 2-3 times as I was taking care of some stuff. The third time on the way back he said, "Hi Kim", and I smiled and waved and said hi back while still walking (I get nervous and scared talking to new people when I know they are more shy-I don't know why-maybe I'm just scared I'll be too much for them).  They looked at me as if they had more to say so I stopped and awkwardly just stood there as I knew they did. Then they said, seemingly to be scared and not knowing what the response would be but taking a chance knowing the Lord was trying to speak, "I was praying in the prayer room the other day...and... ", and then said a word that I really needed to hear. I mean, I really, really needed to hear it. 

God's been speaking to me randomly through little and big things. Whether by myself, or through others. And, yes, the words that Jesus has been telling me are so important, and have been so good, but something that's almost more important that I've discovered, and is why I didn't write what the actual words spoken through these individuals were, is the partnership and willingness we give to the Lord by becoming faithful to whatever command He gives us. Its made me realize the importance of putting forth an effort to recognize every way the Lord speaks in our day and believing that He does all of the time. He's always looking for a way to edify and speak, and He's always needing someone who is willing, no matter who that person is, to be the one to carry out His desire to do so. He's needing someone willing on both ends. There has to be belief from the person who is giving the word or act that the Lord has told them to give, and there has to be belief by the individual receiving the word or act of service. Belief that it is actually of the Lord. 

"My yoke is easy. My burden is light".

So simple. But so hard for our brains to partner with and believe that the God of all creation is speaking to us, or able to use us who are so weak and not able of doing anything good by ourselves. "You can do no good apart from Me". "Apart from Me you are nothing." We truly are nothing without Him. There is no good in us, for ourselves, for others, and for God unless it is given to us by God.

Wow, well that is yet another long blog. Getting lost in the security of the Lord over my insecurity is okay by me though. Definitely worth writing about. Its the only thing that's really honest. 

Well, have a good day!

Mother's Day

Two of my sister's are mother's today! Finally a day of celebration again!!!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAYYYYY

Unplanned Escapes.

I used to absolutely hate rainy days. There was something about them that weren't so kind to my heart. Maybe it was my subconsciousness admitting to the fear of tornadoes following the rain and thunder, or I guess more-so the fear of someone I love being swept away or left hurting without consideration of the beast that damaged them. They seemed to always disrupt my parade of puddle jumping while destructing my hopes of the sun coming to shine through the rain, which are my favorite instances in the recollection of my 22 year old memory. Of course, in Missouri, it was almost a fact that tornadoes and deadly lightning and winds were the shadow of a seemingly peaceful thunderstorm. 

Sitting on my bed now as the rain sings to me has caused me to realize that there is hardly any fear these days, at least of the weather. Its been raining on and off for the last couple of weeks, and I have had the opportunity to wait on the rain, without a real desire to put my hopes into eagerly expecting any sort of end, while hiding away from nothing really at all. There's something about the rain that causes this melodic sound to not need a tempo. The gentle rainy days that come with soft thunders every once in a while are sweet to my mind's obsession with describing words that tie reality in with the adventures and far off lands that live in my imagination. Its an easy excuse to escape without criticism and judgment from my own insecurities of spending time alone with only my guitar, writings, drawings, and crafts. The only object that could pull me back to the existence of this tangible life are friends, which aren't so scary, most of the time.

I've developed a love for these times.

FATHER

A Word Person

I'm definitely a words person. You hear of those who like gifts, you hear of those who like touch, and those who likes quality time, or even acts of service, but me? I like words. Of course, I mean, THE Word. The living Word of God. Its amazing what just as little as 5 minutes with Jesus does, as opposed to, well, any other thing. His word is the only thing that will bring the other types of love. His Word, the meditation, the walking out of, and the searching and seeking of, is the only thing that will open our senses, our eyes, to how He shows love in this life. Its the door. He is the only truth in this life. He is the only thing constant. His word never changes, and will never be changed by another individual. In a world of helpless, lonely souls trapped in flesh and a making of humanity based on lies and misunderstandings there is an escape! The Word is what we've been waiting for, what we've been looking for. Its the release of real, believing love that can take us to other places we could never imagine, and probably will never be able to comprehend, until a life time to come.  It never fails and never perishes. How do we forget it? How do we forget this precious, holy message written from the highest blood covenant of all? Especially as Americans? People in other countries are literally dying as they search and dare to carry these binded papers, or even own this thing we call a Bible. These are the words of God. The very breath of the almighty Father. The One we desire to know and cry out for. These are holy. Right in front of us, right in our possession. The FATHER, the CREATOR of the world, GOD took time, well more than time, He gave it all, in order to deliver this to us. And we get bored? We say He doesn't speak? We say He's not alive? Man our flesh is weak. Our flesh is deadly. Our desires are not right. Why am I not satisfied always? I have to go through pain, strife, misunderstanding, loneliness, depression, hatred, anxiety, and chaos of the mind in order to find what is real and worth actual value in this life. I have to go to my end to meet the real beginning..daily. What's my problem? What's this world's problem? He is so much more worthy of 5 minutes. He is so much more worthy of last call. He is so much more worthy of my heart, my mind, my soul, my everything. This is why I'm here. He made man, and gave humanity a whole, big world and universe, so that He could dwell with Him.And, then when we slipped away and weren't thankful for this beauty, this gift of not only our dwelling place in the natural but our life, He forgave us and made His Word into a man so that He could bring man back to Him. So that He could show them the way. Its His promise, His hope, that couldn't be taken over by death. Seriously, what's our problem? Why does this mean nothing to this flesh and bones? Man. 

1 Corinthians 8:6, "Yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from who are all things and we exist for Him; and one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things, and we exist through Him."

Its the Word. Jesus Christ.We exist for the Father, but can only do so, in everything, by allowing His Word, Jesus, to be a part of us and guide us to a place that we are able to stand before Him, faithful and blameless. A lot of people here have been encountering this very reality that Jesus Christ, the man, IS the Word in the flesh. This Word we have is alive, and active, in every bit of our day. I get all excited every time I hear what others are learning on this. It reestablishes my love for the new covenant, for the Spirit, which testifies to the only Truth we have to hold onto in this world, every time. Its a message I never get tired of being reminded of and learning more about. The Truth that is able to take us to a higher, holy place, and a Truth that is way closer than we could ever comprehend.

Okay, this Word person needs to go dig a little deeper and fill up on this love from Him.

Reoccurring Message In The Night.

This makes 3 dreams that I've had now that I've left where I am and revisited the past. The past is the future though. Meaning, I left Charlotte, or ZHOP, and went back to Springfield, and everything went back to normal. That is I hung out with the friends that used to be close, when I lived there, and family, but didn't rekindle old activities. It was a new, refreshing, positive life with the same company as before, and it was great. The weird thing was, when I remembered all of the happenings and friends from here, what is my life in real life now, it was an "Oh yea! Those guys! I wonder how they're doing!" type of thought. I didn't miss it as much as I think that I would if I were to move back. I didn't miss the people as much, and I didn't miss the ministry. None of it was part of my life, and it barely crossed my mind. I actually thought in my dream while randomly remembering a friend from here, "Oh yea, 'insert person's name', man, its really weird I don't miss them. I almost forgot about him/her" and felt guilt. It was all old news, and I had begun a life in Springfield again with the same values I live in here, and I brought others into these values with the way I lived my life. No words were needed to be said and there was no outreach. It was the silence that brought others into the faith and a lifestyle of intimacy with the Lord.

This dream was realer than the others I've had in the last couple weeks. Revisiting a past made new as if it was my reality in my dream is making today's truth feel like a walk in a place that's not supposed to be my reality anymore. I feel like I'm walking in the past, like I'm holding on to something that's supposed to be gone. The past being the truth of my life as of today, and the feeling being the desire to be home in Springfield. Its making me miss "home", even though this is my "home" now. Its messed up my mind set and heart for the day, as I'm hoping my insides will be back to all confidence in today by tomorrow. For now, I really miss my family and friends. I've been woken up to the fact that I'm surrounded by people I've known, or more so been surrounded by, for less than a year while constantly in a lifestyle I was just born into. It makes everything feel so surreal. Like, there's supposed to be an end soon. It makes me feel crazy for leaving everything...for everything here. Oh man, staying lost in the elude of my dreams all day would probably have been an easier, smarter choice than getting out of my bed and starting the coffee for a day cooped up in a house built on these questions. My mind's not resting while its in a maze of trying to figure out what happens at the end, and if there is an end, to this place I've found my way in for the last 10 months.

I know if I went back I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. I'm not like-minded enough to walk with the Father and Son's wisdom, and be led-forth by the Spirit continually without falling quickly. And I really do think I would miss this place, and the people, so much that I'd feel like I lost a limb or two. Or at least I think I'm sure of it. Could there be this same way in  a new place, or an old place decorated with unexpected, renewed relationships, places, and lifestyles? Or am I just missing the familiar again?

Why am I having this dream in different scenarios in Springfield with different people over and over again? Is it a preparation and comfort from God, or is it an alluring temptation from the enemy?

Disordered Notes On Ephesians 2 Thrown Into A Blog-Part 1

Can I just say that Ephesians 2:1-8 is blowing..my..mind. The beginning is, of course, just so cliche, right? But when you really sit and pick apart all of the words and ponder on them for a while, you should truly be finding thanksgiving on your heart. And not just "you". I don't mean to "condemn" or "point fingers" by using the 2nd party term, for I am just as guilty, but to encourage "you", who ever you are, to dig deep into these verses. I mean, seriously, we were dead in our transgressions, maybe some who are reading this still are, which I hope not, but we were/are dead, and now we, who believe, have been raised up with Christ. For some reason over the last couple weeks this is something I can not get out of my head. 

First of all it says "God, being rich in mercy"(vs 4). This says two things: He is rich because of mercy or He is full of mercy. If He is rich because of mercy, what is He rich with because of the mercy He holds in His character? What does this really mean? What type of mercy is this that He would allow these words to describe Him in the Bible? It says He is rich in mercy. This could also mean He is abounding in mercy. He is full of it. He has exceeding, great possession of mercy itself. In other words, He's wealthy, a billionaire if you were to count the cost of mercy found in Him. I'd say that's way better than gold. Especially since His mercy is on us. So, maybe He's rich in mercy which causes Him to be rich in glory..the glory being us.

Mercy is defined as the kindness of God in withholding deserved judgment and extending undeserved compassion and forgiveness to man. Compassion is defined as concern or love. Which is why it goes into "because of His great love"(vs 4). How great is this love? I mean, seriously. This is the God of the universe, creator of all things, the Almighty God who is rich in mercy;  this being, who is higher than any other, has an unmeasurable compassion and concern for us, undeserving humans, flesh and bones? This is crazy. We don't have anything to offer. Even if we gave Him everything we had, it wouldn't even compare to an offering that He is worthy of. And He has concern for us? He is full of mercy and love for us, for our sake, for our well-being?? This is a fatherly trait too..hmmm..

"Even when we were dead in our transgressions"(vs 5)...this means we had turned away and taken our trust and hope away from the Father and fallen into our own nature and choices,whether choosing to exalt ourselves, or something or someone else. This makes absolutely no sense except that we don't understand His greatness and goodness and we don't believe He loves us, and that His love is good. 

Okay, imagine this. You love someone. We have all loved someone. Whether it be a boyfriend, friend, sibling, parent, other family member, or any other relation, we have all loved someone and stretched out our hand with gifts, of kind words, time, kind gestures, or literal gifts only to be rewarded with wandering eyes onto another or unthankfulness in the heart. We have all taken a chance to reprimand, with wisdom and the desire for that person's well-being, because in love, seeing that person walking right and at their best would be enough for us, but that person continues to turn away to the very thing you know is hurting them, and killing them, instead of accepting your love. It hurts, we don't understand the "why's", but you continue to care and love and give out your mercy time and time again until there is no more to give and you soon have to let go. We have all had someone do this for us too. Every one of us, because being flesh, we have only messed up, or had to/and continue to learn how to love. The crazy thing is, because of verse 4 of Ephesians 2, we know that God has a "great love with which He has loved us" (loved us being past tense, meaning said and done, settled forevermore, will never end), and therefore we have a zillion chances to turn back. He always loves, and always will because He is God, and not man, even though He knows the "why's" and every desire of our heart, which is not good until He gives us a desire from Him.

Does this mean we move the heart of the Father in heaven even in our weakness? Why else would He "love us with His great love even when we were dead in our transgressions"? Why would He still let His lovingkindness fall on us from His mercy seat? Because His discipline is love too.

A verse that is coming to mind is Isaiah 65: 1-3, "I permitted Myself to be sought by those who did not ask for Me; I permitted Myself to be found by those who did not seek Me. I said, 'Here am I, here am I,' to a nation which did not call on My name; I have spread out My hands all day long to a rebellious people, who walk in the way which is not good, following their own thoughts, a people who continually provoke Me to My face, offering sacrifices in gardens and burning incense on bricks".

Why would He do this? The only thing He gains is us in return. Romans 2:4 says, "or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?" So His kindness is to draw us back to Him? We are His prize? Crazy. He counts us His gain. We are His glory. We are His hope. 

Man, we have a Father in Heaven who is rich in mercy! And His love for us is great!! By great, I mean, beyond the expanse of what we could begin to imagine. And He's throwing it out to us, making it available all of the time. Boy do I want to be able to recognize it and learn to receive it. I want to be thankful. I want to understand it. I want to know the "length and width and height" (Ephesians 3:17-19). How would I walk in life if I knew this love, or if I believed in it, or even if I let it become a part of me? I want to, but I know I don't know it yet. My soul does not testify of it just yet. I struggle with it daily, momentarily..

"God, being rich in mercy.." God is rich by mercy. By mercy, God is rich..hmmm..

Ephesians 2:4-5a, "But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions.." I guess that's the farthest I can get today. Way more to come on these verses..