The Love That Humbles

I am realizing lately how poorly qualified I am to be anyone's friend. In a way, its really kind of a relief. Not only do I feel like I am expected to be perfect, due to my history and childhood, but I have set myself on a quest somewhere along this journey to be without any fault and precisely, not fail the expectations of others and myself. I know, this sounds crazy, but its how I've actually been living for as long as I remember. Never wanting to mess up and making impossible, secret promises to never give anything unless it would be perfect. I have set myself up to fail out of fear of rejection, I guess, and therefore be ashamed and reluctant to be anyone's friend due to the omission of unrealistic standards I subconsciously set in past relationships. I have this thing in me to want to be perfect or not be anything at all. Because I am human, and no human is perfect, I of course always fail. BUT somewhere in the last week my eyes have been opened up again to the grace and love I received through my salvation from God and continue to receive even as I am imperfect, completely full of fault, rather difficult in almost every situation, distant, and pretty much unloveable as I hold absolutely nothing the God of the universe could possibly want to draw closer to. And, this walk of understanding has been put into the relationships that are around me currently in the natural as well. I mean seriously, I have nothing to give to God or anybody else in my strength, heart, mind, and spirit and even in the natural since I moved here. Absolutely nothing good. I am a mess. I am difficult. I am poor and broken. I am fearful. I am unloving, but still, somehow, I have found ones around me who believe in me, who haven't given up on me, and who still love me with quite a big chunk of their heart even with how indirectly difficult I may be at times, how confused and blinded I am at times, even when I haven't had my coffee to wake up in the morning or when I'm grumpy late at night and its time for bed. No matter what's going on, who we're with, or where we are they love me and aren't afraid to show it. Point blankly, I don't understand it, its weird, it confuses me, and it scares me a bit. I have literally asked myself in some of the relationships I have why on earth this person or that person loves me still.  I am dumb founded. I feel like I have given nothing, but somehow I have found their favor and they continue to give and give and give without expecting anything in return. In fact, it seems like they love me even more, as hard as it is for me to let myself believe, its true. Its crazy to me. Luckily, since I've become aware of all this again its having an opposite affect as to what it normally does. And, now that I realize how bad of a friend I am, to put it point blank, it has unexpectedly freed me up to love and want to love these people and our God more. That's all I really have to give anyway. I guess overall what I'm trying to say is that this never-ending, always believing, real, forgiving love has humbled me, before these individuals and the Father who sits on the throne of grace who has given way more than any human could ever give me. Its like they knew I would come around eventually and had the patience to wait with the Father on me. I am so undeserving of this love. A situation inexplainable, full of questions and awe and wonder, and beautifully freeing for one like myself. I'll take it!