I think it will always be hard to say goodbye no matter who you're leaving or where you're going. We've all been saying goodbye since we can remember, and I think we will continue to until death ceases us in the natural forever. But why does it seem to get harder and harder to say goodbye the better and better we get at it?
People die. People move. People find the greener grass on the other side. It hurts. It leaves us aching for a constant heart to bind with.
Its part of time. Its part of growing up. Saying goodbye before we're ready. Others' timers go off before we're ready to remake and reestablish. And sometimes we set ours off early before having to be left. Will time ever cease to exist? Will we ever forget to watch? Will we ever notice we're moving too fast to know there is a clock? Will schedules and time and growing old ever go out the window? Before all hearts grow a stranger and normal, everyday, constant, known love becomes some sort of history? Is loving the real strength we're all looking for? Brokenness and letting ourselves be vulnerable and needed and real. When money, and building, and wires, and data, and status, and worldly views and progress are all replaced with a simple moment and growth in the release of a heart's real desire? Letting it come like a wind that stands still. What if it all stopped. Everything. And we just stayed where we were? According to our hearts momentary, pure love. What if there wasn't anything calling us away? What if there was no more dying? What if everybody was suddenly satisfied and happy? What if there was no one pushing to move or stay where your heart wasn't making way? What if time wasn't real? Or memories. Because all that mattered was what was right in front of you. We'd never move. We'd never leave. We'd never miss. No one would be left hurting. If it could only be reality to know fullness in love this way. Between strangers, family, friends, and spouses. If we didn't move though, could we really grow? And, would we ever come to know a higher love and being in existance, God Himself. Would there be any hope? Its still a sweet thought to think that we could be lost in a moment forever. That's the flesh talking in me. Hating letting go in order to follow the glory that is to come. Because all I can see is right here, right now, what's in front of me. Its about getting lost in higher love every moment forever. Not a moment in this time, that really isn't real to begin with. Letting love emerge is hard. Higher love, and love on this earth. It all strengthens and breaks us at the same time. In the end it will make sense.
I've always wanted to just live an independant life, unaffected by everyone and everything. Unattached, no responsibilities, unrelated and free. Living life like its a picture in motion, being developed as my brain directed my foot to step into the next frame it was creating in the momentary midst. As if there was absolutely no plot from the beginning of this life counted "years". Not needing anyone or anything in my eye's view in consistancy, but having friends all over in one big city the size of America. Having the map of the world under me to skip and hop scotch across at my own timing and waking up to see where I desired to go in order for a new discovery and adventure and story to hear for that day. No limits. No boundaries. No timeline. Although exciting, I'm starting to believe its not what I really desire. Well, I guess it is, because I have a hard time staying in one place. I think in a way, its not a bad thing...the whole living on wind..like the Spirit...knowing where He's going and what He's doing...but I have a hard time constantly leaving something or someone. At least alone. I think there's something constant that can be found in the natural. With strength and power from above. Bringing effort for a choice to continue in real, believing, trusting love towards one another. I'm starting to believe. Why would we live without living to share and look back on and move forward? What's the point of leaving hearts behind and going on without another? The hearts all around are a gift to share the happenings. But this life long pilgramage is just too lonely sometimes without another natural stranger in the earth to come along with you, constantly beside you. A journey's better with two whether you know the other people at first or not, but I can only imagine the greatness of a scrapbook of journeys shared by two who have united for the rest of their life. Seems crazy coming from me. I never could let myself hold on to anybody, but I do wonder if mine will ever come. I wonder if there is another half out there for me at all. And, I wonder if there is, if I left too early at one place or another before he caught up. And if we knew it, could we fix it, and find our journeys in company of the others in order to never have to say goodbye? But then again, I am still young. Really, really young. But somehow, for some reason, I'm all of a sudden wondering. I never have before so deeply.
I love what my favorite artist, Jason Reeves, says so simply in a website biography,"....and im lonely. but not sadly. everybody is alone. i want love like love wants love..oxygen and drifting clouds. and im not scared to be alive. these days more people are......"
Maybe I'm just growing up. Maybe I'm just difficult. Actually, I know I'm difficult. But I'm honest. And, I know the sunday school answer. But, again, I'm just being honest and feeling. And for now, I miss love. And, I'm pissed off at time.
Sigh, last day here in Missouri tomorrow. Last goodbyes to hearts stationed here. Then will be back in Charlotte tomorrow night....arriving from point a to point b alone in order to say hello to new hearts for another bit of "time". I love you Missouri. I love you Charlotte.
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