Summer Count Down

Still such a busy summer ahead!

-6 days from today and my nephew Ryder will be in this world! I am praying so hard for him as he has been diagnosed with spina bifida and hydrocefelous. There has been some recovery since the diagnosis, and high hopes are in the air, but I'm still believing for full healing by the power of God! Not that he would be loved any less if nothing else changed, or even so if nothing changed from the beginning, but, it would be awesome to see my nephew walk in a testimony of healing and bringing glory to the Lord through it. I'm sad I won't be there for the birth, but I am so excited with the knowledge he will finally be here. I will be able to see and play with him in August. Anyways....6 days!!!!! Woohoo!!!

-6 days until Camp David starts. I will be a counselor at this teen camp we are holding here. That means I will be with them from 8am to 9pm. And of course, for any last minute needs in between. :o) I am soooo excited to see what the Lord has in store for these kids and am thrilled I get to be a part of it. I'm ready to watch these few encounter Him.

-Exactly two months from today another one of my sisters is getting married! I'm really excited to get all dressed up and dance the night away with friends and family again in celebration to her finding a great man she loves.

-Just before the wedding we have another conference here at ZHOP. Which, normally, I'm not a huge fan of conferences. They are fun, usually firey, and there's lots of people, but for some reason, there's something about them I don't like too much. BUT, I am excited for this one because Corey Russell will be speaking and I have heard nothing but good about him. I can't wait to finally be able to listen to the message he carries.

Alright...I think that's it. I just got to thinking tonight and was so excited for the rest of what the summer had to hold. I was bursting with joy and had to write.

I hope everyone is having a blessed summer themselves and has lots more in store with those they love and Jesus!

God bless.

New Season

As ZHOP transitioned, I feel like the Lord is transitioning me, personally, into a new season. I didn't expect it at all. Its been a really rough half of a year here for me, in several ways. I know we are all "in the wilderness" and always having a rough time and moving with a blindfold over our eyes, but there's been something telling me these last few days that I was having a harder time then than I will this next season. Maybe it was a tough season because I knew that I had left everything I knew, my family, and an expected type of lifestyle for an indefinite period of time in the wilderness, instead of just for a 5 month internship. Maybe it was just a season of testing and trial with the Lord. Either way, all I know is something has been different since I've been back in town. Something in my heart. Something in my being. I've been able to tolerate this lifestyle defenselessly and without having to overcome my mind and flesh talking. It takes way less effort and choice, but its more of who I am. Maybe because the Lord spoke while I was home, and I absolutely positively know that I had to come back, because there's absolutely positively no other way except to follow Him. I know its not about me out here, which is why I was able to look ahead and make it through the last season, although at my worst sometimes, by knowing that there was glory for the Son of God in all this, but man, I am happy to be heading into a more enjoyable time. The harder times are great, because they grow us and mature us in the Lord, but I think everyone could and would say that its a great feeling to know you are heading into a lighter weighted season. And that's what this is. Maybe because of a lot of healing in my heart that was done last season. I don't know. Lots of maybes. All I know is there has been something so much more enjoyable, so much sweeter, in my daily walk thats more than just a good week or return hello after being gone for a little while. I don't know how to explain it except that it seems this is definitely a new time for me, refreshing and good. I can feel it in the air, and I'm excited about it.

On a side note, its definitely not 8:05am here in Charlotte right now, but that's what my posting time is saying on this blog. Does anyone know what time zone to set this in?

In Charlotte.

I've been having the weirdest time since I flew in last night saying that I'm back "home", because for the last 10 days while in Kansas City, Joplin, and Springfield Missouri I've been "back home". Haha. Hmmm. Maybe my home is just where the wind blows me like I was talking about in my last blog. Anyway, I just woke up back in Charlotte, and I'm about to head to my shift in the prayer room in a few hours. The Lord was so near on my trip the WHOLE time, almost stronger than I feel Him here sometimes, so I don't feel like I'm about to go "meet" with Him. He's already here. Of course, maybe it was more easily recognizable there since it wasn't expected. It says that He is always with us, never leaves, but sometimes you just feel Him stronger helping you to believe more easily. I had a hard time leaving "home", but the Lord definitely confirmed I was supposed to be here over vacation in ways I asked, so I knew I had to leave. I'm ready to go back at this strong and see what the Lord wants for me here in this season. I'm excited to ride my bike too. :o) I didn't think I'd miss it as much as I did. Anyways, this is just a blog to let you all know I landed safely and am back..."here".

Let's do this.

Lots Of Words (Again) As Time Frames (Again) And My Heart Waits To Bind.

I think it will always be hard to say goodbye no matter who you're leaving or where you're going. We've all been saying goodbye since we can remember, and I think we will continue to until death ceases us in the natural forever. But why does it seem to get harder and harder to say goodbye the better and better we get at it?

People die. People move. People find the greener grass on the other side. It hurts. It leaves us aching for a constant heart to bind with.

Its part of time. Its part of growing up. Saying goodbye before we're ready. Others' timers go off before we're ready to remake and reestablish. And sometimes we set ours off early before having to be left. Will time ever cease to exist? Will we ever forget to watch? Will we ever notice we're moving too fast to know there is a clock? Will schedules and time and growing old ever go out the window? Before all hearts grow a stranger and normal, everyday, constant, known love becomes some sort of history? Is loving the real strength we're all looking for? Brokenness and letting ourselves be vulnerable and needed and real. When money, and building, and wires, and data, and status, and worldly views and progress are all replaced with a simple moment and growth in the release of a heart's real desire? Letting it come like a wind that stands still. What if it all stopped. Everything. And we just stayed where we were? According to our hearts momentary, pure love. What if there wasn't anything calling us away? What if there was no more dying? What if everybody was suddenly satisfied and happy? What if there was no one pushing to move or stay where your heart wasn't making way? What if time wasn't real? Or memories. Because all that mattered was what was right in front of you. We'd never move. We'd never leave. We'd never miss. No one would be left hurting. If it could only be reality to know fullness in love this way. Between strangers, family, friends, and spouses. If we didn't move though, could we really grow? And, would we ever come to know a higher love and being in existance, God Himself. Would there be any hope? Its still a sweet thought to think that we could be lost in a moment forever. That's the flesh talking in me. Hating letting go in order to follow the glory that is to come. Because all I can see is right here, right now, what's in front of me. Its about getting lost in higher love every moment forever. Not a moment in this time, that really isn't real to begin with. Letting love emerge is hard. Higher love, and love on this earth. It all strengthens and breaks us at the same time. In the end it will make sense.

I've always wanted to just live an independant life, unaffected by everyone and everything. Unattached, no responsibilities, unrelated and free. Living life like its a picture in motion, being developed as my brain directed my foot to step into the next frame it was creating in the momentary midst. As if there was absolutely no plot from the beginning of this life counted "years". Not needing anyone or anything in my eye's view in consistancy, but having friends all over in one big city the size of America. Having the map of the world under me to skip and hop scotch across at my own timing and waking up to see where I desired to go in order for a new discovery and adventure and story to hear for that day. No limits. No boundaries. No timeline. Although exciting, I'm starting to believe its not what I really desire. Well, I guess it is, because I have a hard time staying in one place. I think in a way, its not a bad thing...the whole living on wind..like the Spirit...knowing where He's going and what He's doing...but I have a hard time constantly leaving something or someone. At least alone. I think there's something constant that can be found in the natural. With strength and power from above. Bringing effort for a choice to continue in real, believing, trusting love towards one another. I'm starting to believe. Why would we live without living to share and look back on and move forward? What's the point of leaving hearts behind and going on without another? The hearts all around are a gift to share the happenings. But this life long pilgramage is just too lonely sometimes without another natural stranger in the earth to come along with you, constantly beside you. A journey's better with two whether you know the other people at first or not, but I can only imagine the greatness of a scrapbook of journeys shared by two who have united for the rest of their life. Seems crazy coming from me. I never could let myself hold on to anybody, but I do wonder if mine will ever come. I wonder if there is another half out there for me at all. And, I wonder if there is, if I left too early at one place or another before he caught up. And if we knew it, could we fix it, and find our journeys in company of the others in order to never have to say goodbye? But then again, I am still young. Really, really young. But somehow, for some reason, I'm all of a sudden wondering. I never have before so deeply.

I love what my favorite artist, Jason Reeves, says so simply in a website biography,"....and im lonely. but not sadly. everybody is alone. i want love like love wants love..oxygen and drifting clouds. and im not scared to be alive. these days more people are......"

Maybe I'm just growing up. Maybe I'm just difficult. Actually, I know I'm difficult. But I'm honest. And, I know the sunday school answer. But, again, I'm just being honest and feeling. And for now, I miss love. And, I'm pissed off at time.

Sigh, last day here in Missouri tomorrow. Last goodbyes to hearts stationed here. Then will be back in Charlotte tomorrow night....arriving from point a to point b alone in order to say hello to new hearts for another bit of "time". I love you Missouri. I love you Charlotte.

Simple Moments.

I have another break during this crazy trip home to Missouri. My sister's puppy has crawled up and weaved herself into my arms, while typing and trying to eat at the same time. Its funny how no matter what you are doing, or the craziness going on around, this puppy happens to be able to crawl up and lay down and be in automatic comfort zone. I can't get over how cute this little pup named May is. She has fallen sound asleep and is now dreaming and making little ruff noises. Its adorable.

I couldn't be happier during this 4 o'clock hour to be cuddling with this little thing and listening to the sweetest humongous dog, Max, get up and down from in front of the couch I'm sitting on as he paces in fear from the lawnmower just outside the window. He's looking at me with big copper eyes waiting for me to save him as he doesn't realize that I am not much bigger than he is. Its adorable.

Its so easy to overlook the simple, small moments these days when they are really the best. Its not about the schedule, or who or what or when, but about the joys. I'm enjoying my simple moments before a busy night and taking time to sip my coffee slowly.

Resting in Springfield..Kind Of.

Ahhhhh, breathe.

Its been a crazy week since I arrived in Missouri. On Wednesday I had a wild day of mishappenings at the airports and on planes, that I claim as a day of testing and trial from the Lord. And, since then, there has been a lot going on with the fam including doctor appointments with my pregnant sister, tourist moments-more like tourist hours, my dad's wedding and all the events that go before and after a wedding, more baby stuff for a different sister, a house walk through with my sister and her fiance, big dinners, travel between a few cities, and lots of random other stuff. Note: I am not complaining at all about any of this. I have loved every moment.

I have had so much fun since I've been here, but man, I'm feeling good as my feet are currently up on the coffee table in the comfort of my sisters' and a friend's loft downtown. Although we've been talking a little business (details to come!), I feel like I'm able to slow down and breathe as I take my first night in Springfield. That's the beauty of work you enjoy and are excited about. :o)

Overall, so far, I'd say I feel like this trip has been full of joy, love, fun, quality time with those I have loved and missed dearly, little gifts from God all around, and lots of new good memories even in the midst of a swirl of the chaotic buzz. 

I'm really excited for the next few days I have here and the couple days that follow in Kansas City.

Better get going and unplug. I hear thunder. Expected to be strong storms are arriving and sure to fight for the life of this computer. 

Hope everyone is well where ever you are located and reading this. God bless you friends.

In A Hotel In Joplin Right Now...

...the hours to prepare ourselves for Dad's wedding are slipping away. 

Memories are flooding in.

Oh, how I've missed scrunching together in front of a mirror, and squeezing through doorways of bathrooms as we bustle around with make-up, hairdryers, straighteners, and hair product while running into scents of sprays of all kinds trailing whichever direction you go. The craziness of 5 sisters needing to get dressed up at the same time. Beautiful mess.

I'm In Kansas City Right Now.

And I'm loving it.

The Love That Humbles

I am realizing lately how poorly qualified I am to be anyone's friend. In a way, its really kind of a relief. Not only do I feel like I am expected to be perfect, due to my history and childhood, but I have set myself on a quest somewhere along this journey to be without any fault and precisely, not fail the expectations of others and myself. I know, this sounds crazy, but its how I've actually been living for as long as I remember. Never wanting to mess up and making impossible, secret promises to never give anything unless it would be perfect. I have set myself up to fail out of fear of rejection, I guess, and therefore be ashamed and reluctant to be anyone's friend due to the omission of unrealistic standards I subconsciously set in past relationships. I have this thing in me to want to be perfect or not be anything at all. Because I am human, and no human is perfect, I of course always fail. BUT somewhere in the last week my eyes have been opened up again to the grace and love I received through my salvation from God and continue to receive even as I am imperfect, completely full of fault, rather difficult in almost every situation, distant, and pretty much unloveable as I hold absolutely nothing the God of the universe could possibly want to draw closer to. And, this walk of understanding has been put into the relationships that are around me currently in the natural as well. I mean seriously, I have nothing to give to God or anybody else in my strength, heart, mind, and spirit and even in the natural since I moved here. Absolutely nothing good. I am a mess. I am difficult. I am poor and broken. I am fearful. I am unloving, but still, somehow, I have found ones around me who believe in me, who haven't given up on me, and who still love me with quite a big chunk of their heart even with how indirectly difficult I may be at times, how confused and blinded I am at times, even when I haven't had my coffee to wake up in the morning or when I'm grumpy late at night and its time for bed. No matter what's going on, who we're with, or where we are they love me and aren't afraid to show it. Point blankly, I don't understand it, its weird, it confuses me, and it scares me a bit. I have literally asked myself in some of the relationships I have why on earth this person or that person loves me still.  I am dumb founded. I feel like I have given nothing, but somehow I have found their favor and they continue to give and give and give without expecting anything in return. In fact, it seems like they love me even more, as hard as it is for me to let myself believe, its true. Its crazy to me. Luckily, since I've become aware of all this again its having an opposite affect as to what it normally does. And, now that I realize how bad of a friend I am, to put it point blank, it has unexpectedly freed me up to love and want to love these people and our God more. That's all I really have to give anyway. I guess overall what I'm trying to say is that this never-ending, always believing, real, forgiving love has humbled me, before these individuals and the Father who sits on the throne of grace who has given way more than any human could ever give me. Its like they knew I would come around eventually and had the patience to wait with the Father on me. I am so undeserving of this love. A situation inexplainable, full of questions and awe and wonder, and beautifully freeing for one like myself. I'll take it!