Sunday, September 13, 2009

Wow, Two Posts In One Weekend!

So, I've never actually ever payed any attention to other worship leaders and songs unless it really, really struck me. Partly because I wanted my own song with the Lord, and I don't want to be brought into a "mini someone else". I want to be me, and have the Lord bring me up I guess. Recently though I've been checking out what's out there due to leading my own 2 hour worship sets to help fill up the schedule of the ministry I work at and learn the rhythms to new songs I'm learning. I have come across a couple that have just left me in awe. Not of their musical talent, or voice, or songwriting, but because of the heart, or the Spirit flowing, that I experience. I have come to the fact that I don't know Jesus at all. And I have no idea how to worship. Its always seemed the closer I get, the farther I feel away, just because of realizing exactly how big He actually is, but tonight I sit here and I am just, well, in pain really. I don't know why God has put me on a stage with a guitar, and even leading others, to praise Him. There is something that has led me to jealousy. I want to know His love for me. Like really know His love. I guess I want to understand it. I know His real, and I know what He's done for me, but I need a real revelation of this real love. I want to literally see the fire in Jesus' eyes, and I want to feel His jealousy for me. I want to see His face. I want to KNOW Him. Everyday. Every moment. I've got an ache inside for this. I feel as though I don't know Him at all. And I'm in desperation. I want to know the love He has for me so I can give Him that love back. If only I could love Him the way He loves me.

10 comments:

  1. Kim,

    I want to extract a single sentence of yours above and write something about it. You write, "I want to know His love for me". Kim, you know I have always had trouble writing, and to you especially. Do you believe that me and you also put Him on the cross? I am a sin filled man. And Kim, I believe you are sin filled also. Kim, does not our Lord Jesus Christ bring this to light in our day to day lives? Does He not take us by our hand and gently bring out, to the light, our heart's deep recesses and all that is hidden in them? His Word, the Holy Scripture, carves deep, to the depths of our souls, revealing all. Nothing is hidden. Nothing! Has He shown you anything Kim? He has shown me plenty! He has shown me things in my nature I hope no one on this earth ever has to suffer pain by knowing them of me. And yet Kim, and yet, He Is There. Patience. Mercy. Grace. Undying, Unfailing LOVE. HE DIED ON THE CROSS. HE GAVE HIS BLOOD. HE SAVED US. HE SO LOVED US. Kim, we must know this of Him.

    Thank you Kim for reading my words. I pray that our Lord Jesus may guide you and protect you.

    Your friend always,
    Randy

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  2. Yes, you are correct. There is a sinful nature in us all put to death by the Sprit through the mercy and grace of God. Romans 7 and 8.

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  3. Kim,

    Your sentence, "I want to know His love for me." Would you be willing to explain your feelings or ponderings or anything else you were writing in these words? You can do that via my email if you'd like. Just was wondering Kim.

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  4. Well, I think there is a point where a person can go from knowledge to understanding. Its two different things. I know His love. I know about the cross. I know what I'm doing here. And, I've experienced His love before, but not to the fullness. I won't experience it to the fullness until I die, but I think there is a bigger portion of Jesus, His Spirit, and the Father's love that is available every day. Jeremiah talks of it. Its not about me. Its about experiencing His love, to the overflow (Acts 4, Phillipians 1:9) that can effect those around me and sustain me, which brings glory to God, until the end.

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  5. Kim,

    Thank you for bearing with me and my questions. You write "a person can go from knowledge to understanding". I probably have been thinking wrong, because I thought, once you understand something, through explaination, time, trials, fellowship, and many other ways, then you, hopefully, have gained knowledge. Once I have received knowledge over time and have tested and tried it, I have the ability to make a wise decision, which would be wisdom. Kim, could you shine some light on the knowledge to understanding? And most importantly, how do we gain understanding and knowledge? Thank you very much Kim.

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  6. I'm not talking words. The law was dead after Jesus rose again. Its the Romans 7 thing again. You can also find it in 2 corinthians 3. I'm talking where God becomes an actual part of you. When the Word of God becomes alive in your daily life. Its by the Spirit. The Spirit knows the deep things of God and searches Him out. Its when the Spirit reveals it to us. That's what I'm talking about. You are correct with what you are talking about. You talking about discernment, wisdom (fear of the Lord being the beginning of it as it talks about Proverbs..which comes by love) I don't think we are talking about the same thing. As far as what I'm talking about you can search out 1 Corinthians 2, Romans 7 and 8. Its about becoming one with the Spirit because the Spirit is the Lord and can become alive in us. It is Him who really moves our heart in the knowledge of God. It is Him who reveals to us great and marvelous things. He is the helper as they say in John 17. Once Jesus actually becomes a part of us, and we encounter Him for what He really is, then we begin to hold on to Him as if He is ours....our inheritance, and we begin to really live our life for Him because we have received His love and living a life in order to give it back to Him, as well as bring glory (others) to Him in His name by His love.

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  7. Kim, I hope you don't mind me writing here on your blog. I was wondering, again, in your words above, you write, "and we encounter Him for what He really is,". This word encounter, what does that mean and how do we do that? Thanks Kim.

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  8. Its to experience God. Someone can know the Bible and not know God. He is relational. Now, the Bible is very valid. It is very needed. And it is Truth. Its what we are, and who He is. But the Spirit also reveals to us Jesus. Its about constant unity with Him and constant conversation or prayer. Everyone experiences Him in different ways. Some people feel Him, some people see Him, some people hear Him, and of course there is watching Him work all around you, and watching Him answer prayers in His name. Its about a history with God. I mean, what was it that really got you to be saved? It was the Lord. That memory, that experience. that is knowing Him. The Spirit opens eyes to see Him, and the Father allows it.

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  9. Kim,

    I know we have communicated long enough, over the past year and a half or so, that you know I ponder, think, and ask many questions. And you have put up with many of them. Thank you Kim, for your patience. I continue with another wondering. Above you write, "But the Spirit also reveals to us Jesus." Would you finish that sentence with, "through His Word given to us in the Holy Scriptures"? I'm just asking Kim. Are you referring to something more than the Holy Scriptures when you begin your sentence with "But the Spirit"? I know I ask a lot Kim, hopefully, not too much.

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  10. Well it says in the scriptures that "the Spirit is the Lord" as well as "the word of God was made flesh to dwell amoung us (Jesus)".

    Its not that I don't want to answer your question, but I think that the answer to this question and many of the questions you ask for that matter, are a worthy pursuit between you and the Father, Himself. This last question you asked I want to leave to the Spirit to answer.

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